Waiting For Hope

The Weight of the Wait July 16, 2009

I really feel fine. Really. We are one year into what we hope will be no longer than a three year wait. We hope. Our first set of immigration paperwork will expire soon and it’s time to re-file. I got the email from our agency and the always thorough checklist of what was needed to re-file and when. You’d think I would’ve woke up early the next day to dive headlong into another paper pregnancy, but I didn’t. I didn’t even know why I didn’t, I just….didn’t.

Three weeks later a little bit of panic that I may not make the deadline began to settle in and I set about reading the 20 page re-file packet. And that’s when it happened. The weight…it came back. That old, familiar feeling right in the center of my heart. That feeling that reminded me that I’m waiting for Hope. On other days, I keep busy with life. I have two very active boys, 14 and 11. There is never, ever a dull moment. Our house is usually a flurry of activity and meals, lots of them….often. Between school, summer requests, meals, shopping, play dates, practices, mini vacations, etc. I am pretty distracted from the weight of the wait. I know she’s coming and I believe with all my heart that God is totally in control. Not China. Not CCAA. God is the One who is weaving Hope’s life into a beautiful tapestry, one strand at a time.

I am not fearful. I am not distraught. I am not even worried. I am just waiting, or maybe I should say, “weighting”. Every once and a while, I feel the heaviness of not having her in my arms, not hearing her laughter, not staring at her while she sleeps. I miss her and she’s not even here yet. When asked how many children I have, I always include her. I am a Mom of three children. Two who are with me and one who is being woven and spun in the Creator’s hand.

As I drove my paperwork to our agency, never trusting it to any post office to handle it with care, I began to feel tears seeping out of my eyes. I was truly surprised. Yes, I felt the weight as I drove, but couldn’t really identify its source. But as the tears flowed I knew they were tears of hope and tears for Hope. My beautiful little girl who is yet to be and yet alive in me.  She meets me in my dreams quite often. We love to laugh and play there. But then she has to leave, if even for a little while.

I feared walking into our agency and losing it…absolutely losing it on those poor employees who try so hard to stay strong for those of us who are in it for the long haul. I quickly called my best friend and told her to pray over me and fast. She did and we just invited Jesus to walk with me hand in hand into that office. To give me a strength I did not possess at the moment and to well, get ‘er done.

I walked up to the door of the agency with so much emotion. As if I was going to be interviewed as to my worthiness of this adoption and the door was locked. I was sick. Had I not checked their hours? I should’ve called before I came, it had actually entered into my mind to do so and I got distracted with my tears. Ugh…now I have to go through this all over again. “Jesus….please…..” And about that time, a sweet and gracious employee of the agency walked up. She’d stepped out to get some lunch. I laid all my paperwork on the counter and a few checks (we’re trusting you Jesus…) with all the pride of a new Mom. For now, my paperwork are my ultrasound pictures. It’s what makes it all so real to me. Why else would we tell someone every stinkin’ detail of every single aspect of our lives? Oh, but she is SO worth it.

As I left the office, knowing there is still another wave of papers to be completed, I felt relieved.  I needed to see those sweet faces on the wall, displaying all the children our  agency has placed in loving homes. I needed to chat with my friends there and just, well, talk a bit. Thankfully I had previously reserved some time at a local tea room to be alone, unbeknownst to myself that I’d be at the agency on the same day. That was Jesus too. We just sat, He and I, sipping tea, feeling the weight and being so thankful that I can. I’m getting a daughter and this weight is like any other pregnancy weight. It’s heavy, it accumulates and it’s coming off real soon.

On my way home, I went to my hairdresser for a touch up. Her 5:00, got stuck across town, so she squeezed me in. Her chair always takes away my blues for a bit. As I was leaving, her appointment finally showed up. She said, “Oh, Amy, I’ve been wanting you to meet Sherry.” I introduced myself and my friend and hairdresser said, “Amy…..her girls.” When I took a closer look, I saw two of the most precious little girls….from China.  “Oh, Father. Thank you. Thank you for this little reminder, this glimpse. Thank you for reminding me that You know exactly what is on my heart and that You have not forgotten us and You have not forgotten Hope.”

Yes, the weight of the wait is indeed heavy. It’s long, it’s labor. But He will never leave us , nor forsake us. Of this I am sure. And I have His Word to keep me company. And a little girl, in my dreams.

“But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day.” Habakkuk 2:3